Spilling the Tea
Can you tell us a little bit about yourself?
For me, being queer was a big part of my identity formation. There's more to gay people than just being gay, its a community with various personalities. However, for me specifically, I was able to access a lot of freedom. I was able to find myself after coming out myself. I used to think “I have to do whatever everybody else says I have to do. I have to work hard in school, do what my parents say, be a good person, and be nice to people.”
Once I realized I was queer, I just thought “Oh damn, I gotta figure some things out for myself.” It allowed me to realize like some people are not gonna be happy with the things that I do, but that's okay. I'm going to do the things that work for me, even if it doesn't vibe with what other people want.
I really like my coming out story. I was 18 and I really loved a person. I didn't think about being gay. My first thought was “I love romance. This person is cute, I’m asking them out.” We were just vibing, when it occurred to me that she likes me. I asked her out. At that moment it was about being a teen and liking someone. A lot of queer people don't always get that experience, but they do deserve it. For me, a lot of questioning, confusion, and pain came later.
When you eat Indian food and you think of home, what comes to mind?
When I eat and think of home, I think of what home should be. I think of an idealized version of a home that I don't know exists for me anymore. I think of the time I spent in India and the food I ate there. I think of the family that I hope to have one day, that will take part in and enjoy the same food and culture that I do.
I do feel like I've had to rebuild my cultural identity. If you think about it, you are your culture because that's where your family is from, especially if you're a child of immigrants, like me. I don't live in India, so I'm not Indian because I live in India. I'm Indian, because my parents are Indian. So if, for some reason, I am estranged from my parents, how do I still be Indian? How am I supposed to access that cultural identity?
While my grandma's around, I feel pressured to learn things from her and talk to her. I think about my future kids a lot and I worry. If my mom's not in my life because she doesn't accept my choices, who's going to cook for my children like how my grandmother cooks for me? Who's going to teach them Malayalam and Hindi, the languages that I grew up learning from my grandmother? The constant question is how will I preserve this if the worst happens and I'm not connected to my family anymore.
It's been a lot of pressure, but I feel like with food, that pressure is kind of relieved. Cooking can be meditative for me because I’m doing a repetitive task or watching something change color, and I’m so zoned in that I can’t really think about anything else. Maybe I’m a little stressed about getting it right, but in the end, I have a finished product that hopefully tastes good and is similar to what I'm used to eating.
“I’m just a queer POC gal trying to vibe in a world that was not made for us. America was not built for queens like me, but queens like me constantly said” America, you will be built for us.” ”
Let's talk about tea
If there's at least five people in the house, which there usually are, my family will have tea at 5pm. Actually, the first thing my parents gave me was a steel saucepan. At home, my family has one reserved for only tea. You don't cook anything else in it.
Tea was the first thing that I was able to make by myself, even when I didn't have a kitchen. I was tired of pouring hot water into my Lipton tea. I hate Lipton, especially in America. It’s weak. At the dining halls, I always had Lipton tea in a styrofoam cup. That’s struggle energy. To me, tea tastes different in a mug than it does in a styrofoam cup or a thermos. The vessel really transforms the experience.
Usually, you can make tea two ways: you can boil water or you can boil milk. My family is the boil milk type. The first food I made in college was tea with loose tea leaves. I boiled milk, then put in the tea leaves and sugar. Then I added the cardamom pods and it was like being transported home instantly. I have always loved tea.
Tea has become so stress relieving for me. If I'm stressed, I make tea. It's not even the act of drinking it anymore. It's the process of physically turning on the kettle, pouring the water, waiting for it to steep, and adding the milk and sugar. It's a five minute meditation.
I'm stressed. I make the tea. I drink the tea. I'm fine.
Is there anything else that you would like to say?
To all my fellow queer people who feel like in a weird place with their family and their culture because of that. Being queer is about finding your own sense of family amongst your friends and your community.
You can reimagine and reconnect with your culture through food and learning language and history. Something that I do specifically is I try to reconnect with my culture through writing. You own the things that have happened to you. If there's something that your family does, own it. My family makes tea every Sunday at 5pm. Now I do that. I own it. I can reintroduce it into my life and use it as sort of a healing process. Everybody deserves to reclaim their own nostalgia with things.